..it hurts me…

It’s hard to know that you are nursing an incurable disease. You’re going to live with it for the rest of your life, just hoping that one day you’ll get into the state called remission when there’s a chance that you will live a normal-like life. It’s sadder and harder to know and see that whatever you are doing, nothing seems to be working for you to get better. You follow all that the doctors say, you even follow what people say just to please them. Still, you fail. You fail to get well, you fail to get better. To be honest, it doesn’t even make me happy. I follow I follow, I follow.

Nothing still happens.

I do NOT follow what they say, they get angry.

I follow but I don’t get better, they still get angry and they still feel bad.

And then I feel bad.

Do you think it’s easy for me to see people having a difficult time because of me? It’s never easy. It’s never easy. I understand how hard it is to live with me. I understand how difficult it is to stay by me. I understand that. I know that. I hate that. I loathe that I am the reason for your suffering, your sacrifices. Nonetheless, I still thank those who stand by me. I am assuming that you do it because you love me. Unconditionally.

I never wanted this for anyone. I never want to be a burden to anyone. Reality bites though. Living and loving someone this sick is a burden and will require some sacrifices. Please know that I never want this for anyone. If only I can bear this on my own, I will do it. I will do it. Alone if need be. I won’t burden you anymore. But then it’s your choice too, you know, should you go or should you stay?

So it hurts. To know that you somehow blame me for you missing out on your life because of me, for the sacrifices. I thought you love me. Unconditionally. I never asked. It just hurts.

..it hurts me…

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