…I’m sick…

I am going through some things now, and sometimes, it’s really hard for me to think. People are telling me to weigh the consequences, weigh the pros and cons.

The biggest question now in my life is “What next?”.

What irks the most though is that one of the main reasons why this is happening is because I’m sick. Yes, it is because of Lupus.

I really don’t want to delve into details of what’s happening. The thing is, I’m afraid. Afraid of what will happen next, what will come in the future. I have been trying to talk to people about what is going on, my close friends, family.

And you know what? Sometimes, I wonder, because I’m sick, don’t I have the chance, the ability to succeed? This goes through my mind now, because I am feeling that no one believes that I can be successful, that I can drive myself to excel. It seems like, no one believes in me… and yes, it is because I am sick. I’m a certified Lupie.

Paraphrasing from someone, I wouldn’t be able to do my job, my work well because I’m sick. Even if I tried my best, even I accept other options, still, there is a BIG possibility that I will fail. I will not meet expectations. Why? It is because I am sick.

Another person told me that I don’t have the right understanding of what is happening, I am getting it wrong. What’s currently happening is just a sign that I NEED the rest, I NEED to have time for myself, NEED to stop whatever I’m doing and rest. I will not really be able to succeed at all in the next phases if I don’t stop. Why, because I’m sick.

In the end, almost all of those close friends and people I talk to seem to say one thing. I’m sick. So, it means I will not meet expectations, I will ultimately fail in the things I do.

Yes, I acknowledge I am sick. I have been since 2001. That’s 15 years of my life. And, do you know, this is the first time that I’m being dragged down with doubts of myself, of what I can do. This is the first time that I am feeling an ultimate failure, and would be a failure in everything that I do. It seems that no matter how hard I try, it never works. It all comes down to one thing, I have Lupus, and Lupus is stopping me to be the best that I can be. Even if, I try my best for it not to affect me.

Yes, you can also say that I am in a funk right now. I’m just in a state of depression which makes me this way. Sometimes though, it would help for people (especially those that I am close with) to show some care, some compassion. Show that somehow they still believe in me. That would actually be a great help in getting me out of this state where I am in right now. Unfortunately though, it would seem that they are all just putting me down, and in the process dragging me down the black hole.

I guess it would be just up to me to get myself out of this funk. Just one question though, how can a drowning person save herself (or himself)?

All of these, happening right now, yes, mainly because..

…I’m sick…

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