…random realizations…

I’m supposed to work this today – yes, I know, it’s a Sunday. But that’s nothing new. My connection though decided that it was going to rest the whole day – so I have no internet connection (thank God though that it’s now working again), so for today, I had nothing to do. I decided to rest. Rest my mind, lie down…

Before I end my day today – I actually decided to sleep early as I want to be early in the office tomorrow. So many things to finish and being early in the office gives me more time to do the tasks I need to do before my teammates come pouring in – I just wanted to share my day.

I did not just sleep. I rested (meaning I did not do anything in front of my laptop :)) and talked to my Mom for around 4 hours on the phone (so, yeah Globe – I just bet you’ll bill me for this).

It was kind of a release. I got to know what’s happening with my mom and my baby (although, she’s not a baby really anymore). Somehow, in my own way, I also shared some things that has been bottling up inside.

My frustrations with work.

My most happy moments – which is most of the time none, and why this my reality.

My disappointments in myself.

My doubts in myself.

My lack of friends. or my ability to keep real friends (but this is another long story).

My feelings for my family (or some of them)

My mom also shared

her current events

what’s happening with Lex and other family members

her dreams for us

… and we reminisced about Papa.

As she was talking about Papa, reminding me of Papa’s last days – those days that I wasn’t there – tears again started rolling gently and silently down my face. I can’t even react to what she was saying because I did not want my mom to know that I was crying. I had to pull myself together before I can speak.

It dawned on me after the long conversation. I am not over Papa’s leaving even though it was almost a year and a half ago already. I haven’t even started really grieving yet so how can I move on? I just placed the grief, the sadness, and even anger at the back of my mind, because I just had to go on. I haven’t really cried my heart out yet. I just have this bouts of tears falling, but really – the all out cry, the all out sadness. Not yet. I have no moment for that yet. I am not sure when I will have this.

Another thing is that my mom is there – I have been looking for someone to talk to – my mom is there. The thing is how can I share with her my worries, knowing that it will worry her? It’s so hard for me to share and know that somehow, I’ll be worrying her as well, and adding to the problems that we are encountering? How can I share with her this feeling that where I am now, it seems that no one cares for me here? How can I tell her that I am sad and lonely here, that I face each day here smiling, trying to act as if I don’t have any problems, but deep down my heart is tearing up, my eyes do not light up with happiness, my laugh is dry and forced? How can I tell my mom that I am sad because I feel that I do not have friends in this city? That the friends I have now, well, I think they are ashamed of being my friend, and they think I’m tiresome. That they’re really caring and very concerned of other friends that they have, but with me – well, let’s just say that they’re not like that with me. How can I tell my mom ALL of my frustrations?

How can I share that with her, knowing that she will take it into her heart, and feel for me? 

I have been looking for someone to hear me out. I know someone who will listen. It’s just me who’s not willing to fully share.

And I also am wishing that I have someone in this city who will listen and hear me out. Unfortunately, I don’t think this will be granted anymore…

And so… I just want to share that was my day today. So fast, time flies. Another day ends, and another day will start in an hour and a half, hopefully. So many thoughts and…

…random realizations…

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