yeah. I am. It’s been almost a year since I last posted. But still, I won’t make any promises that I’ll keep this on regularly but for sure I’ll try.
I don’t want to disappoint myself by saying that I’ll write everyday… etc. I have a lot of disappointments this past few years, and nothing has really changed at all, so I don’t want to disappoint myself most of all. Most of you who actually read this, will say that I have to have faith, i have to believe that everything will be alright, I have to pray that things will get better, and it will get better in time. The thing is, I have been waiting for years, and there are just times that i lose all of this optimism and faith. Even in my profile, I tell people and I tell myself to “Keep the faith, keep on smiling”. But then again so hard to do, so easy to say.
The last post I had was saying that I was tired. After 10 months or so, nothing has changed. It even got worse. What I’m saying is I’m getting tired of life. No, don’t think of the worst thing with that line. It has entered my mind, but I don’t think I’ll ever do anything about it. It’s just an idea. No action will be done on that idea. If I’m really serious about it, I would have done it – within this last year.
I am still tired though. I don’t want to overuse the word, but I do not know what else to describe this. Frustrated? Lonely? Angry? Down? All of it? And I am tired of feeling this well. When reading this, one might tell me go find someone to talk to. I am trying. Unfortunately, it’s not really a practice for people in my country to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist. If they do, they are already tagged as crazy people. No matter what they say though, I still want to try. At least they are being paid to hear me out. This is still the last resort though — given some critical factors in life such as money — this is really a last resort. This is a last resort as well, since I used to believe that if you have family, and you have friends who actually care, there’ll be no need to go to professionals. I used to believe that family and friends are home, one’s safe haven.
No. I just used to believe that. Now, I face my reality.
I realized that one cannot and should not rely on people. One has to learn to be alone, and to stand alone.
I face this battle of living, of trying to cope, of trying to meet everyone’s expectations, and of trying to meet MY OWN expectations – Alone. At times when I dream, or when I just play the fantasy in my mind, my friends listen and hear what I have to say. They do not brush it off when I start sharing serious stuff. They do not just nod, then move on to talk about themselves, and their “big” problems.
I read all my posts from before, and am smirking – with the reality in my mind that those emotional downers that I wrote about are still true. Not sure when it’s going to change.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Come on! Say it!
Everything is a choice – I should make a choice to see the silver lining, the happy part, be optimistic – BLE! (Curse word here 😛 but not going to place it here – but I bet you know the drill, you’re free to choose which one you will use).
So, good luck to you my small circle of readers, 🙂
…I’m back and I’m still Tired…