…down the drain

I’m emotional, though it may seem like I’m not. I speak what I think without thinking of what I should and must say at times. Mix those two factors, and I can say that it goes off like a bomb. I utter words that might be hurtful, might be offensive, might be what they don’t like to hear. Each of those words that I say, filtered or not, is from something deeper, somewhere with roots sunk so deep that you have to think of it. There might be issues or concerns at the surface, easy to see, easy to identify, easy to check, easy to discuss. There’s more to that, it’s deeper than that.

I’ve posted that I am outside looking in at most times, I still feel that way. I’ll never belong. This sets me aside. This makes me the me that people see. No one sees though that I still yearn to belong. I still hope that there will be a time that I can be part of a group, part of friends that are really friends.

But first, I must be understood.

How?

How can someone understand someone who doesn’t really share? Who doesn’t really speak? How can people understand a person who hides beneath a shell of strength? How can you understand someone who doesn’t even understand herself?

Yes, I know. I need to understand myself first before I can ask people to understand me.

And so this is it, because of this, 7 years of friendship is going…

…down the drain.

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