I’m sitting here, in front of my laptop, watching series after series, working, trying to do anything, just to be busy, just to keep my mind working, just to be… I don’t know…
Today is Easter. The day of resurrection. I’m not a practicing Catholic. I don;t religiously go to mass, I don’t go to services, I don’t go posting religious and heavenly stuff in my Facebook. I don’t share to the world. But yes, I believe in God, I believe that there is a God, I believe that Jesus gave his life for us. I believe that trusting Him and having Faith in Him will keep me together, will keep us together. But like all humans,all frailties of a human being is also in me. There are times that my faith dims, my belief falters, my trust weakens. There are times, even how hard I try, that I do not act and do as I should, as a daughter of God should and must. I try though, I try my hardest to still believe, to regain my strength, to bolster my faith, and my trust. Deep down I know, I could get through anything with my faith, with His love.
Hope. I may not show it but knowing and accepting that God has plans for me that I do not know, it still keeps the hope inside of me that there is something good, something great in store for me. For me. It usually means something good for my family. I don’t do anything but my family. I’m trying to keep myself together for my family. I’m working for my family. I’m trying to be perfect for my family. It was never just for me. It was never for me. Just for them. and for ma friends, for others. Never for me.
Sacrifice. I choose to do things, I choose to be this way. I choose not to give myself a break. For the people I love, for the people around me. I have never seen these as a sacrifice. Because I chose this path, I have accepted that this is the way I’ll be. I didn’t lose anything. That’s how I see it. Although, would others see it that way? Or maybe I just have never realized that I have sacrificed my own self just to be this way?
Family. Need I say more? They’re everything to me. Come to think of it, I even treat my friends as family, especially those closest to my heart. There might be others though, those family and friends who doesn’t really care much for me at all. They say they do, but really actions speak louder than words. They say this, but when needed the most they’re never there. Well… no one is perfect, not even I. For today, what I can do, is just pray for them. Pray that they will never feel the way I’m feeling right now and that they never have to go through what I am going through.
Peace. Love. Happiness. When will this ever come? or will it ever come? In this lifetime, I have my doubts. Each and everyday seems to be a survival, seems just to be living for the sake of living. People say it’s because I have closed myself to love, romantic love, that is why it would be hard for me to feel this, to have this. I haven’t closed myself completely. Accepting it is different. Acceptance that there is just that slim chance that I will have this is different from saying that I do not want these in my life. I do. It’s just that, I’m never that hopeful that someone would come my way to love me with all the imperfections that I have. Physically, I’m not beautiful anymore, my teeth are all broken, I can’t smile because they are all rotten and I can’t do anything about it because I still cannot have it fixed because I’m still flaring up. My weight is awful because I eat too much, and I retain water. I have rashes all over. Who would want me? Or maybe, it will never come because I do not think it’s possible. What do they usually say? You have to love yourself first before you can love another? Well, my love is all used up for family and friends (even those who really don’t care). Need I say more?
Faith. Keep the faith. This is my mantra. Keep the faith. I try to keep it strong. I try to keep it alive. Although at times, this also wears me down. And it’s one of those days… one of those weeks, one of those long days that I’n trying my best to live and survive. And I’m trying to keep my faith that everything will be alright. That I will survive. It’s wearing me down. It’s wearing me down.
I am there for others. Is there anyone there for me?
… Need I say more?