It’s been quite awhile. I’ve been telling myself to keep on writing. To keep on feeding my thoughts to paper everyday, or to this community anyway and not just paper. Again, not just to share my thoughts but to actually just release everything. But here i am again, missing that commitment to myself, and there are a number of items that I can actually use as an excuse of why I am not doing what I said I’ll be doing.
You can say, I’m busy with work (which I actually am), or I’m feeling tired most of the time (which in reality right now, I am) too.., Or again, I’m busy with work (which makes me sound like a freaking workaholic – which again, I am). But as you might have noticed, i used the word EXCUSE. It’s actually not the reason why i don’t write.
I have never been such a pessimist, but with all the things that is happening right now, the reason I don’t write much or post much here is that, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to write anything nice. I won’t be able to write of what’s good, of what’s nice, of what’s pretty. What I can write about lately, well… kind of depressing. As I said, I’m not that pessimistic before (maybe just on love), but now… I don’t know. I’m just afraid that when I write, I’ll just depress people, and I don’t want to do that too. I’m afraid that all my thoughts would be just my pessimistic point of view, I’m afraid that I’ll just blurt things out in this negative way that I have. I’m afraid of what people might think of what i write. I’m afraid that in writing what I’m thinking lately, I might find or learn more negative things about me, about my life. I’m afraid that I’ll be just posting about what i think, what i feel, what i see, and those thoughts, those opinions, those feelings will make me realize things. Things that I am actually afraid to see, to know, and even to think of.
I have always believed that if you want to do something, and you really want to do it… then there will be no excuse for not trying. All so-called reasons for not doing what you want to do are excuses, no validity on that particular reason. Now I realize, I lived my life before without fear. Before, being the magic word. Now I’m full of it. Even with one of the things or hobbies that I have – writing.
Fear, not of other people, not of external situations. But me. Does that sound valid? Is that understandable? I actually don’t know. Maybe, I also fear knowing and realizing this because it would open up a lot of other discussions. It’s all-consuming, isn’t it? Paralyzing too. Oh well, maybe someday, I’ll be cured of this. I just don’t know how.
But for now let’s stick with that. My phrase for the day maybe, being fearful, being afraid.
*and yeah, I was just rambling on… I actually didn’t know what to write about. I had no plans of posting anything today, but an office mate posted about not being able to write and wanting to write, and I just wanted to share that…
I know how you feel …