Something to get off my chest… soon

The previous months have been hard for me. It has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally. Having been newly diagnosed with Lupus Nephritis – hard, very hard. Have a lot to think about, have a lot to adjust to, and have a lot of flares.

But what I have to get off my chest is actually what is inside. I tried to create and start this blog to be able to release what i feel, because honestly, sometimes I don’t think they understand. Still though, I can’t seem to write everything down. There is this something that stops me from sharing, from releasing.

Is it because I am afraid that people will see my vulnerability? People will read about what I truly feel, that I do have a heart, and that I’m human? Is it because of the fear to make people see how truly… messed up? broken? sad? depressed? AFRAID? WEAK?… I am?

I have written a lot of seemingly nonsense in the first few posts… but i guess this is me, huh.

I need to get this off my chest… and soon. Although, I do realize that i can’t force myself to do it now. But i Know i have to as I’m reaching my breaking point, and I’m not sure what will happen if I do reach it.




3 thoughts on “Something to get off my chest… soon

  1. When i was first diagnosed, i felt exactly the same as you do now. I started a blog but was blocked by inner fears to share what i’was feeling inside. I don’t know why i felt so ashamed of what i’m going through. It’s been almost 4 years now and I still feel broken and messed up sometimes. But it gets better. They say lupus is mainly caused by an inability to express emotional distress for the longest time until one day it manifests as a physical symptom/condition (of course doctors wouldn’t confirm this as there’s no scientific backing) which causes a person to reevaluate her current way of living ie. actions and behaviors and to re-invent it.

    1. I’ve been thinking about this still. And there is this part of me, pride maybe?, that also stops me from sharing. I’ve always been the strong one. and to bare myself, even kind of anonymously, still makes me think that I will be vulnerable and weak to the world. — well just another perspective, i guess, aside from being ashamed, or aside from fear.

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