a recurring (but note, very depressing) thought

I found this in my notes in Facebook. This was written Sunday, August 23, 2009 at 11:46pm. I realize now, this still hasn’t changed.

This has been in my head, in my heart for the past few months. This is actually a recurring theme in my head. I do not know my friends, and I don’t think I have many friends at all. In fact, I think I can just count them one by one, and the total would not sum up to the number of fingers and toes that I have.
I have a warped sense of friendship, I guess. I blame myself for this thought. I once posted this same thought in my Facebook status just a few days back. It just seems that I care too much, and I care too deeply for some, and I try not to forget the bonds of friendship that we have. But in the end, I guess they don’t care enough for me.

Fine, I guess it’s me.

1. I’m too moody. Yes, people do tend to shy away from moody people. One moment I can be happy, the next I’m depressed, tired, and pissed off. Hey, that’s the way it is. I try to change to please people, but it’s also tiring/
2. I’m selfish. Yes, I am. I’m selfish with my things, of what I have. I am selfish with the time of my friends and the people I care for.
3. I’m too self-absorbed.
4. I do not easily share what I really feel.
5. I’m tactless.

God! The list goes on and on…. and while writing this, I can’t seem to think of anything good to say about myself. I don’t think that would help anyway. I don’t really want to brag of my good side, if I have any.

But with all these listed down, I guess it just boils down to one thing. I don’t know how to keep my friends.
I’m just craving for some company, someone to talk to seriously. But I guess I have no one for that, save one best friend. Some say it’s because they are afraid of me. Why? Is it so wrong to look strong? I am weak inside, especially if it’s for family and friends. This is how I cope. And I don’t know if anyone really understands that. No one seems to want to talk to me.

I’ve heard before that absence makes the heart grow fonder. BS! For me, once you’re gone from their world, you don’t matter anymore. Anyone wants to rebut that? Try. I can give you a LOT of examples. Once you’re out of their little world, no one seems to remember you. I do not expect to be invited to all, I do not expect to be treated differently. But isn’t some sort of friendship enough? I’m too out-of-place in this world already. And I know, it’s all because of me and my quirks in life.

I’ve also realized, there are friends that are only there if they need something from you. Comfort, someone to listen. I am that to them. But when you are the one wanting it, needing it, does anyone listen? Most of the people I know now, tend to just “listen”. Listen while their mind is out there somewhere.

No one cares, and it’s all shown in the guise of having the reasons of fearing someone. Then I guess you were never a friend were you?

They say they trust you, and I know they do. But can I trust you? Let me count the number of times that my trust has been broken, and tell me, can you trust someone again… fully? And people say, I don’t trust enough. I did. Once. Twice. I did trust fully before. I trusted friends. I took their word, but ironically, I’m always the last to know of what really is happening.

It’s hard for me to write this. This is a reflection of how my life is so sad. This is a reflection of what I think my life is right now. Depressing and dark. There may be times that light shines through, but it never lasts. I used to tell myself keep the faith, all will be better someday. You still have your friends. Now, do I still have my friends? Do I have friends?

Well now, one thing I just realized what I must do. Stop caring. When you don’t care, you don’t hurt. Distance myself from people. Take a step back. and rebuild myself.

You don’t need me anymore. You, whoever you are who calls me friend, bro, sis… or whatever, stop pretending that I am that. For whatever is happening now, I do not believe it anymore. I may be that once, but not anymore.

Live your life, be happy. I’ll be happy for you.
But for now, I’ll just say, I DON’T CARE, and for now, I am deciding, I also DON’T NEED YOU.

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2 thoughts on “a recurring (but note, very depressing) thought

  1. If i were to write a note to myself about my friends. This would be it. I’m destined to have just one or two good friends at a time. It’s been a recurring pattern throughout my life that i’ve slowly come to accept it. Friends come and go in my life for a reason and I’m not gonna dwell on it anymore

    1. yeah, it’s better not to dwell. but sometimes it just hurts. you tend to open up and to make yourself vulnerable to people, but then they also tend to hurt you. which makes you think if it still is right to open up and be vulnerable.
      What I’m thankful for though is that even if this is recurring and happens a number of times through the chapters of life, there is is still one or two (aside from family) who stays and is there no matter what. 🙂 something to keep smiling about.
      thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.

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