got to do something.. gotta write…

have to do something…have to write. I am all a mess. but then am proud to say, not getting messier. finally starting to come around. finally starting to be myself…again. hopefully. this is what it feels like.

but i can’t help thinking. the price of coming back to being myself? friendship. friends lost. and will never be found again. time can only tell what will happen and if I’ll ever get the friendship back.

Uncomfortable. with people around me. feeling judged all the time. don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. caring for what people think of me sucks. just want to be loved. no one does. (huwaaat!!!!! depressing and totally not me!)

getting back to friendship lost. will i ever regain it? will I want to? i dunno. for now, am ok. just don’t let me be around people. am comfortable enough with one … or two… friends. just don’t want to be around people.

yeah yeah i know you get that already. i don’t want to be with people.

WHY?

because i don’t know who to trust. oh i trust someone. i used to trust some. now? ummm… lemme think. those who can and are reading this, only those I trust. If those readers are not comfortable, then tell me and ill remove you from the list. easy as that.

Easy to say goodbye to friendship? No. It’s not. You miss those you lost. because you loved. I loved. but you know things will never be the same. Not anymore. I know that. I understand and I accept. but I don’t know if I can trust again.

Am just here for now. doing OK. not good, not bad. just ok. just fine. nothing extraordinary. learning. to be myself, to love myself (can i ever do that????), to trust. again.

someday, i hope i can trust again the way that I used to. I hope.

I hope.

always.

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